Its been 2 years now since I have started my new role and I have to say I really do enjoy it. It seems there are limits to the type of work we are exposed to and the formality of the work is rather unorthodox compared what I know it should be like.

There have been testing times at work and in my personal life where at one point I felt I almost drifted back into depression. Issues at work have been more about me being accepting of others and their acceptance of me and how I work. I find that given I have worked with mostly older folks that I am mostly use to that sensible and mature environment. Working with youth around my age sometimes proves challenging, as I personally find youth differing in their attitudes and highly opinionated. Their ideas of a joke are sometimes quite rude but they say it's ok. The EU referendum was one situation that caused differences between colleagues and me, as everyone had their own opinion of whether to remain or leave and they rightfully have a right to do so. Other aspects have been what I can describe as intimidation, which is indirect but seems to suggest this person wants a reaction from me in order to make me look like a peace breaker in the team. I also strongly feel that in the team there is a strong element of favouritism between some colleagues because they are personal friends. A lot has gone on at work and it had got to a point where I thought if working here is really worth it and started taking counselling again for a couple of months. At times it had also affected my productivity at work slowing me down, as I just cannot clearly concentrate on what I am doing. I guess situations like these do test you mentally and you have be determined to see the bad times through without overreacting or letting yourself down. Sometimes the situations put me off going to team grouping events due to anxiety of seeing, sitting with them, and whether they will talk to me or not and what to talk about. So far I've avoided 3 such events and I've recently ended up keeping myself to myself, which it feels is a counter productive approach but a safer option for me.

I've also taken up learning a new language, which is free and the feeling is brilliant and exciting. I felt I needed a way to take my mind off things happening at work and home life. Its quite a challenge, as you have to do the homework and take initiative to learn yourself. At one point I felt like giving up, as I couldn't say the words properly, memory proves quite bad. It doesn't help that the whole exercise book I bought is written in the actual language itself so I have to guess from the words about what the exercise is about. However, I'm getting there!

In my personal life it seems finding someone is very difficult and it's sort of stalled to point I can't be bothered. I sometimes feel the issue is me but I try to look at it in a different light everything I end up seeing it that way. Everyone is so opinionated in their way of thinking and it's proving difficult to find someone who can take things as they come and not keep expecting off me or measure me in some way. I guess this is how society has evolved. Issues at work eventually make their way home and I don't talk to my father because I keep thinking about work. I'm trying to practice keeping work issues at work and come home to enjoy home life. One of my best friends who has moved abroad had decided to no longer stay in touch with me despite sending him a few messages how he is but I've given up on him. I keep thinking if it's something I have done or said but I don't know and it's not healthy to keep thinking about it. I guess I can only wish him well.

Over my time so far I have done a lot of CBT on myself to try and see negative situations in a different maybe positive light. If I have learnt one thing that we are all human beings in the sense that we have our weaknesses. Our weaknesses are all common between us so religion, caste or creed plays no part in this. We can try to convey to others that we are strong, hide as much as we can about our weaknesses but some situations have such a weighing on our minds even if we say "brush it off and move on" we still think about them or maybe dream if things turned out better then where would I be now? The answer is we just don't know. There are so many external factors around us that could affect us day to day, on the road driving, whilst walking, we bump into someone, what we eat or drink, anything can change a situation around. If a situation turned bad then maybe there was a good reason for you it happened that way. you just have teach yourself its pointless living your life in fear, just live it and try to enjoy every moment of it.